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The World Doesn’t Work Anymore: A Guide To Survival
PART I
by William Penzer, Ph.D.
Executive Director, The Center for Self-Control
January 2005
(954) 475-1371 |
This article is dedicated to all the guys and gals who suffer
because our world no longer works!
In Perspective
Everything in life needs to be seen relative to everything else. Few things
are awful. Many things are frustrating and irritating. What I am about to
say falls in the latter category. I reserve awful for 9/11, AIDS, deaths in
Iraq, head on collisions, cancer and the like.
I love this world. I love many of the people in it. I am frustrated
because our world doesn’t operate as well as it used to work. I know you
are too. Doctors are frustrated as are their patients. Lawyers are
frustrated as are their clients. Indian chiefs are…happy-but most of us
didn’t have that choice. A large group of us are frustrated to the max.
Everyone has their war story of the month. Eighty percent of workers feel
they are disrespected according to a recent survey. Wow! Sad!
Unacceptable!
This article is an attempt at defining the problem(s) and helping you to
cope with them better. I truly believe you can.
Less Depressing Anecdotes
I’m not kidding! The world doesn’t work anymore. It has
been broken for years and getting worse by the minute. You know it as well
as I. Everyday is a tug-a-war and mostly the other guy wins. Or we finally
do, but not until we’ve wasted too much time and energy. Everything you are
about to read is true. I haven’t embellished my description at all. If
anything, I’ve softened some a bit, to minimize your and my depression.
Please take my suggestions for survival seriously. Work till you have honed
them into protective armor. They will prevent you from spending your
emotional capital casually. In the final analysis, these resources are far
more precious than your financial ones.
This is the second time I’ve started to write using this
title. More than ten years ago, I began to write a book to help people deal
with a world that felt like it was slowly spinning out of control. I spent
the first three chapters painfully chronicling all the ways our world was
failing. As a result, I became temporarily depressed and abandoned the
project. “Who would want to read such negative notions?” I wondered, “What
could I offer in the way of solutions?” I asked myself.
I don’t think I realized it at the time, but my personal
survival strategy was to minimize my dependence on the world and on other
people. I closed my Counseling Center and returned to a solo private
practice. I sold my boat. I avoided home renovation projects, and generally
reduced my exposure. It worked, but it was not a healthy solution. It
minimized my vision, growth and creativity. It kept me stuck in the status
quo. It was safe, but limited.
More recently, I ventured forth into the world again.
Despite watching my son endure a two-year kitchen renovation nightmare that
should have taken two months, my wife and I began meeting with contractors.
I hired handymen. I had my roof replaced. I began to dream about a new
Center to help people. I was back and engaged with the world.
Let me tell you straight up, the world works less well than
it did ten years ago. It is sad, scary, and stressful. I worry for my
grandkids and yours. Almost nothing gets done. That which does get done is
late and often wrong, no matter how much money is spent. Nor does it matter
how nice, pleasant, and personable the potential doer presented him or
herself. Almost everyone knows how to present; hardly anyone, it seems,
knows how to deliver.
To avoid depression I will not dwell on the many handymen who
have come and gone (some with my money). I will tell you that my “to do”
list never changes despite the army of people who review it, agree to do it,
and immediately disappear into the ozone. Similarly, I will not describe in
detail the five or six contractors who came to my home to discuss and plan a
kitchen renovation. Let the record show that as of January 2005, two years
after initiating the process, my kitchen is vintage 1982. I guestimate that
my wife has invested more than two hundred hours in planning, and design
meetings with these folks, all amounting to nada, zip, gurnish, zero!! That
is like working five plus weeks and not getting one thing accomplished- not
even a handle on a cabinet door.
No, I’m not going to dwell on all that because it is actually
trying to open the Center for Self-Control that motivated my returning to
this title. This time, however, though I have no solution, I do have some
ideas to help you cope. This is especially important given that the
stresses and strains of a world not working lead directly to out of control
behaviors. Our hurtful habits (i.e. abusing food, drugs, tobacco, etc.) are
fueled by our hurtful experiences in a world that is as limp and lame as a
wounded animal. Coping is consequential to our healthy survival. In a
world that no longer works, we need to work better than ever.
Calling the World: Please Send a Tow Truck
Our Center was created to help people become healthier and
more in control of themselves. It was born early in 2004. As of March,
2005 it has yet to open. It remains stuck in its infancy due to technical
difficulties beyond our control. It is a powerful paradox given that people
are addicted to hurtful habits because they are stuck in their childhood in
one way or another. We at the Center- the rescue squad- were equally
stuck. The ambulance was in the mud and until recently a tow truck was
nowhere to be found.
I won’t dwell on what has caused us to be stuck, but I will
briefly mention some of our frustrations:
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Our website is
critical to our opening. I initiated development in June ’04 with the
goal of being up by October. My guru fell asleep at the controls and in
November I fired him Donald Trump style. He is a very nice man, but he
never said, “I’m sorry.” My next goal was January 1. We’ve missed that
by two plus months. The details are irrelevant, although I own some of
them given my naiveté in this area.
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We sent some
materials out to be printed. Quality was minus. They are angry with us
because, “you should have known blue could print sometimes as dark blue,
sometimes as light blue, and sometimes as purple.” We have all three
shades and more among 5000 post cards not to mention edges that are bent,
white streaked, and otherwise ugly. They blame the deliverer. Did you
ever notice, it’s never their fault?
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I met with a
local printer who had faxed an ad. I asked if her company was user
friendly, responsible, and cost effective. “Of course,” she said. She
failed to show up for the first meeting and has not returned my call.
Silly enough, we have a lot of business to give her-letterhead, envelopes,
business cards, magnets, signs, etc. Everyone we deal with must be
independently wealthy or on the verge of bankruptcy. I’m not sure which!
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I called the
sign company that services my office complex. “Fax us and we’ll be there
the next day.” Have you seen them? They haven’t returned two calls
either. I spoke to them today. “Oh, we’ve been busy, short staffed,
blah, blah…It’s two months now and still no sign. But, soon.
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I called my
personal banker and asked her to open an account for the Center. “No
problem. I’ll do it today,” I was cheerily told. Ten days after I
started leaving voice mail messages asking, “When will the checks be
here?” I left one every day for four days and still didn’t get a
response. On the fifth day I pressed 0 and spoke to her assistant. No
account to be found. That afternoon came an apologetic voice mail back
“I’m sorry. It was on my to do list, but blah, blah, blah, blah!” All
the blah really makes me blue. She promised the checks would be FedExed
by Monday. They arrived Friday. Typos galore, but at least we had
checks. Now, someone needs to do something, so we can have a reason to
use the checks. At least our accounting fees will be low-maybe!
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The yellow page
woman has been very kind and helpful. She has come to meetings, allowed
us to revise our format and been very patient. The person who does the
layout either has vision problems, ADHD or drinks on the job. We are on
our fifth proof. Shelley was spelled Shelby for at least two iterations.
Commas, ampersands, and other details completely ignored. On two ads our
website address was left off, which really shouldn’t matter since we don’t
have one. In fact, in the scheme of things why should a comma even
count? It’s a minor detail amid major problems.
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I had the bright
idea of calling a promotional printer-the largest ad in the yellow pages.
Tom jokingly said, “No” when I asked if they were responsible, reliable
and cost effective. We laughed about it and I applauded his honesty. We
set up an appointment. He neither showed, nor called. Maybe he wasn’t
kidding. I gave him a second chance. I believe it will be OK. Sometime
you just have to have faith.
And That’s Not All!
I forgot to tell you that my son was going to make a “stopped
bitchin’ about my kitchen” party, but he couldn’t find anyone to finish the
rest of his place in terms of painting, etc. He’s been living there for
four years and hasn’t hung a picture. He finally found a seemingly reliable
guy and then decided to move. That reliable guy is supposed to come to our
home next Tuesday. Believe me when I say, I ain’t holding my proverbial
breath.
That son is the one who pushed me to write this. He worked
on cruise ships for many years. Since coming on land it has been one
nightmare after another. The “reliable guy” by the way, was fired by me
just ten minutes ago. I won’t even go there. The details aren’t worth it,
unless you think breaking an expensive mirror while hanging it or getting
paint all over my stuff and not showing up are important. Rest assured they
are.
In all this I haven’t talked about hassles with credit cards,
phone companies, computers, cell phones, travel, buying a car, insurance
companies, etc. A few recent examples:
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In July, I
protested a change that I couldn’t identify. The card company sent me a
form. I filled it out and faxed it back the same day. A month later they
sent a letter saying they never received a response and I had thirty days
or lose my opportunity. I call this the “shit can” solution. Throw away
my form and pray I disappear. I re-faxed the form and mailed it as well.
A week later I called to make sure they received it. I concluded in 1990,
“it’s not paranoid to be paranoid these days.”
My goal was to stay on top of this one. I realized in
October I never received a credit. I called and again in December. Both
times I was curtly told they had sixty days to resolve the dispute. “Sixty
days”, I said, “It’s been since July.” “Sixty days, sir” and that was that.
On January 19th I called. The pleasant lady said,
“Yes, I see you called in December. I don’t know why you haven’t had a
response. I will connect you with disputes.” Eight minutes later the
friendly man said, “I have to look deeper into this please give me a few
minutes.” Twenty minutes later he said, we sent you a copy of the sales
receipt in September”. I said “I never received it or I wouldn’t be calling
in October, December and now. As you know the “shit can” works with stuff
we send and stuff they send. It doesn’t discriminate. I think they hope
we’ll die before we realize nothing happened. It is likely, given that they
are killing us. This kind of stress is lethal. Recent research shows
stress weakens our cells and lowers our immune system.
I asked, “What does it say?” The friendly man said, “I don’t
know, I can’t read it.” I said, “What do you mean?” and he said, “It’s all
numbers.” I said, “who signed the sales receipt?” and he said, “It’s
unsigned.” You know what I said (calmly) at this point. He said, “This is
a matter for security. Let me transfer you, No let me double check to make
sure I’m right. Please hold on a minute.” Five minutes later he said,
“Please hold on. Security is coming on the line.” No time delay with
security, so the man came right on.
“Hello sir, this is Len from security. What is your wife’s
last four digits of her social!” “Len”, I said “I’ve been on the phone for
forty five minutes talking with your colleagues and now you need her
social? I already gave them my mother’s maiden name her birth date and the
location of her tattoos. It’s 12:45 A.M., my wife is sleeping and I don’t
have it memorized. I’m lucky I still remember mine.” “Well sir,” he said
in a serious CIA voice, “without her social we can’t precede. This is a
matter of security.” He sounded like Tom Ridge raising the color code to
orange alert.
I had the bright idea to find our last tax return, gave him
those four numbers and breathed a tired sigh of relief. He then said, “When
did this transaction occur?” I said, “6/16/04.” He said, “I can’t get that
on my computer. It shouldn’t have been passed to security. It’s too old.
Disputes needed to handle it.” I said, “Len, it’s almost one A.M. I
started this before midnight. You’re going to pass me back to the previous
person, but either he won’t be available or the line will go dead, the
recording will say, “If you’d like to make a call…” and I’ll have to start
all over. This will make me want to blow my brains out and I don’t even
have a gun. Either lend me your gun Len or please help me.”
Len softened. He switched from CIA to MSW. “I understand
Bill, (good sign we are now on a first name basis) “let me see what I can
do. Please hold on a minute.” Five minutes later Len’s voice excitedly
returned sounding like a little leaguer hitting his first homerun. “I got it
done, Bill. A credit is issued for $200. Destroy your cards and new ones
will be mailed.” “Thanks Len. You are a good man,” I said with the little
energy I have left. It took a little over an hour. Can you imagine if I
called at noon?” Mission accomplished, but…it’s a scene out of a bad movie.
So was calling the phone company to find out why I was
charged $25.43 for a call to Nassau, when we never have called there. “I
can’t tell you who was called because we don’t have the data base in our
computers, but you have to pay it.” I did. It wasn’t worth the battle.
Neither was dealing with the absurdities and abuses of health
insurance in my practice, which caused me to stop taking it which is hurtful
to people who could otherwise benefit from my assistance. Sadly, our new
Center won’t take any insurance. It just doesn’t work anymore.
Insurance doesn’t seem to work well in any area. I am still
struggling with a claim for a flood in my house and am on the third
adjustor. They appear and disappear for no reason and with no continuity.
We start over each time. I’ve now lost the third guy’s number and my
agent’s office hasn’t called back in four days after promising to call back
within one hour with his number. Every which way I turn the world just
doesn’t work. I called my agent’s office again, and then found the
adjustor’s number. The agent’s assistant called back, left a message
saying, “Happy to help Dr. Penzer. What do you need?” I need to move back
to the fifties, that’s what I need!
I know you understand all this because I know these hassles
are yours as well. None of us are any more immune to this, than our
computers are to pop-up viruses. I’ve had that twice in the last month and
by the way am on my fourth computer guy in less than two years because the
other three disappeared too. They probably became kitchen remodelers.
Adding insult to injury, I watch HGTV and see good old Ty Pennington
demolish and rebuild entire homes, while the family spends a week in
Disney. I’m still waiting to hear “Driver Move That Bus!” in front of my
house. When and if it ever happens, it will probably be made by Tonka. How
big does the bus have to be if all you change in a year is a light bulb?
What’s A Frustrated Person To Do?
Having no solutions to fix the world and no basis to believe
the world will fix itself, I offer you the following suggestions for your
survival:
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Keep your sense
of humor or develop one or buy one on ebay. It’s almost all silly in the
scheme of things. As I have tried to model in my descriptions, you need
to laugh at most of this instead of cry. Imagine you are in a Seinfeld
episode or another sitcom. Joke with the person you are dealing with as I
did with Len. Sometimes it works.
The painter, who came a few minutes ago to estimate painting
my garage, locked his keys in his truck. “Second time this week,” he
foolishly shared. Nice guy, but I wouldn’t let him paint my wife’s
toenail. He’ll probably cut the toe off first just to make it easier to
reach. We gotta laugh it off. I laughed out loud. Sometimes life is
funnier than fiction. I lent him my phone to call a locksmith. His was in
his truck.
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Vent it quickly
and let go of it. Share the experience with a family member, friend or
coworker. Journal it out of your system or write what I call a "not to be
mailed” letter expressing your feelings and frustrations to the fullest.
Or write a letter that vents your experience and mail it to a high-ranking
executive.
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Practice your
anger management skills or learn some. Getting pissed never helps. You
alienate the person you need to help you. You agitate yourself in
unhealthy ways. You upset those around you. It’s a lose, lose, lose!
The person you are dealing with probably didn’t cause the problems and is
trying to be helpful within the limits of the rules with which they must
work. I recognized that at midnight I was dealing with under paid people
who were trying their best. At least they were based here and I could
understand what they were saying. That was a definite plus.
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Depersonalize
that which is not yours to own. No one is picking on you, emasculating
you, taking advantage of you or discriminating against you. It’s not
about you, though it involves you. It’s about our world that works less
well these days.
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Maintain
optimism. Eventually problems get solved. We will have a website,
business cards, etc. Our Center will finally open. It will miss our
target date by a lot, but it was arbitrary to begin with. Sometimes
overzealous goals put undo pressure on ourselves. Patience is still a
virtue worth courting, especially given the state of our world. And I did
solve my credit card problem, thanks to Len and his colleagues. Or so I
thought when I wrote the above. They called ten days later. I spoke to
three people repeating the same things I told Len. I’ll update you in
part II of this article. Right now it all feels surreal.
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Adopt a relative
perspective. My personal line is, “compared to chemotherapy, this ain’t
nothin’,” (with sincere apologies to all of my English teachers). Find a
relativity to which you can relate that will allow molehills, albeit
frustrating ones, to stay that size.
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Recognize and
accept that just about everything in life has pros and cons. Medical
advances save lives, but have side effects and costs. Viagra stiffens if
you don’t mind seeing blue on occasion. Better to see blue that be blue,
Bob D. would say. Technology giveth and taketh away. It allows for the
best of times and the worst. That’s just the way it is. Cell phones are
amazing when we are lost in a rainstorm in unknown territories. They are
awful when they are used to detonate bombs from remote locations. They
are a pain when they go blank in the middle of a conversation, but it’s a
petty annoyance relative to the advantages it brings to us and the
tragedies it can cause.
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In all
relationships and business transactions, go forward slowly. Be alert for
mixed messages, signs of temper or impatience or any inconsistencies: Get
references. Start with a small project. Don’t advance more than $100.
Check contracts carefully and seek legal assistance. When possible, deal
with a reputable organization so there is recourse to problems. Have
realistic expectations. Quality is a lost commodity in too many areas.
If you are a perfectionist learn to do it yourself. Recognize and expect
that there is typically a gap between commitment and its delivery.
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See it as a
cultural evolution or regression depending on your point of view. Our
society is drastically different in every way from the “Happy Days” when I
was growing up. Making money has become an obsession just about
everywhere. Pride of workmanship has been replaced by pride of
ownership. We’ve got to have it all! The almighty buck rules. We’ve
super sized everything except honesty, integrity, sincerity, quality,
commitment, etc. There is still some of that to be found, but much less
than we need. On the other hand my father and father-in-law would not
likely have died of heart problems at 49 and 51 respectively if they lived
now. We desperately need a win some, lose some perspective.
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If you live in
South Florida understand it may be worse here, but the world doesn’t work
all that well anywhere. South Florida has always been a scammer’s
paradise. It was probably even worse years ago (i.e. want to buy swamp
land?) than it is now. Having written that in the A.M., I read the same
evening that scammers are selling swampland in Florida again-this time
over the Internet. Yet like everything else, living here has its plusses
and minuses. I write this on a morning when the Northeast is having a
major blizzard and we have a little wind. It’s all good.
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Strive to
counterbalance stress. Cultivate fun activities, some form of exercise,
healthy relationships, celebrations, vacation. Get away from TV, the
computer and the news from time to time. They can all be toxic. Do
something to help those in need. It will feel good and will help restore
your faith in the beautiful potentials we humans have to offer. It will
also make you feel good about you.
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Keep track of
deposits into what I call your “pride bank”. When I finished with my
credit card mess I felt proud. I kept my cool and my sense of humor and
hopefully finally solved the problem. I will feel the same way the day
the Center officially opens and the website is up. I try everyday to find
stuff about which I can feel proud of myself. I want you to, too.
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Pride is the
fuel that keeps our emotional engines running and protects us from the
struggles we encounter in the world. Too often the angst we dump on
others, is displaced anger we are carrying from within ourselves. Less
than helpful clerks, lousy drivers, and all the other triggers to our
upsets would not get to us, if we were truly happy and secure within
ourselves.
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Keep your
projects realistic relative to your tolerance, patience, fortitude and
budget. Take on that which you can get done without serious emotional
costs. Do an emotional value added relative to emotional cost along with
a financial one. Avoid fantasies fueled by TV and the movies. In real
life things follow Penzer’s Practical Principle. In all likelihood, the
only time things work out the way you need them to, is when you don’t
really need them to. That’s realistic, not pessimistic! The good news is
if you are reading this you are still alive. Keep it that way.
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Penzer’s other
principle is Perseverance Pays! Live by that and you will
succeed-eventually. Never give up! Manage every aspect of your efforts
well. Be organized so you don’t lose the adjuster’s phone number. Take
notes of what was agreed upon. Maintain records and files. Have ways to
evaluate progress along the way instead of waiting till the end.
Encourage, reward, and motivate those doing work for you. By the same
token don’t be afraid to fire someone not performing to your
satisfaction. Don’t project your work ethic onto others. Too many out
there have no ethic at all, work or otherwise. That you are responsible
has nothing to do with it. Your handshake may be solid, the other persons
limp. Protect yourself in everyway possible. Keep being responsible even
though others let you down. We need you that way. We really do!
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If you are
spiritually inclined participate in your faith. Be an active believer
instead of a lazy one. It helps to have a higher power to hold onto
during these stressful times. Prayers never hurt and research continually
shows them to help as stress reducers. While you are at it pray for our
World. It needs all the help it can get. “God Bless America,” are still
good words. America, despite its flaws, is still the greatest nation. Of
that I am certain.
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Appreciate,
compliment and reward people and organizations who deliver. Tip
generously, let others know, write affirming letters, etc. In every way
possible reinforce quality, on time, fairly priced effort. Add to their
pride banks in the hopes they continue delivering. Too often service and
attention to detail fades with growth and success. A kind word and a
strong, “thank you” can go a long way toward preventing that. If we fire
the incompetent and irresponsible, we must inspire those who are able.
What’s Glop?
Stress from a world not working very well fuels glop. Glop,
in turn, fuels stress in a vicious cycle way. Our goal is to turn this into
a positive cycle of coping, instead of glopping.
Glop was born when I realized that describing in seductive
detail the foods that tempt us, only served to push people to binge on
them. I was busily writing a book called, “Yo-Yo No More: My Skinny on
Being Fat,” and my words were causing people to eat more fattening foods. I
had to change the way I was writing or the title to “How to Keep on YOYOing
for Life.” Since we seem to know how to do that already, the former seemed
like a better option.
Glop refers to anything that tempts us into unhealthy and
destructive behavior. There is glop on a plate, in a glass, prescription
bottle, street drugs, tobacco, casino, relationships, boardrooms, and
bedrooms. Glop surrounds us and beckons us to seek it out. Glop calls our
name and has our number. You know that already. Our Center teaches you how
not to answer.
The title of the Yo-Yo book has been changed to “Completing
Adulthood: Taking Control of Your Life Once and For All and Forever.” A
complete adult doesn’t allow glop to do damage. S/he stays in control,
makes healthy and responsible choices and contains impulse driven parts.
Every zone of life is tuned, not to perfection, but to protection. Complete
adults are balanced as they choose to be an effective and successful “CEO of
Self.” Complete adults enjoy prideful profits. They work and play, achieve
goals and live a full and fulfilling life. Easy to describe, not always
easy to do, but eminently doable.
Becoming A More Complete Adult
Finally, keep working on becoming as complete an adult as
possible. If the world no longer works well, then we need to work very
well. We need a strong defense. For people, defense means being balanced,
having peace of mind, enjoying self-confidence and esteem. Our best defense
involves avoiding glopful habits. They cause spiritual, physical,
emotional, and financial bankruptcy, which is the worst position our “CEO of
SELF” can experience.
Often there is a vicious cycle effect between our world not
working for us and our glop indulgences. The stresses of life and our
related feelings of helplessness push us right off our balance beam and into
glop. The wounds we suffer seem to justify glopful indulgences of all
kinds. This is rationalization and denial tag teaming us into unhealthy and
self-defeating behaviors. We need to be aware of these traps at all times.
Vigilance leads to self-protection. The very opposite needs to occur. Our
response to frustration needs to be resolve. In the chess game of life we
need healthy strategies to stay a move ahead. Glop contributes to our
literal and figurative demise. We need to work toward our survival. During
difficult times that takes energy invested on our behalf. I promise the
dividends will come. In fact, I guarantee them!
When you are stressed, frustrated, upset, disappointed,
feeling abused and the like, do something CONSTRUCTIVE, rather than
destructive. Do that which will truly vent angst, rather than that which
will add shame and blame to the murky mix of feelings floating through your
mind. Confront your glop(s) of choice and do battle. Identify the zones of
your life that are child, rather than adult based. Take on this challenge
with the same rigor and resolve your would muster if someone else was
hurting you. Seek out support if need be. It is all around you.
All you can hope to control is your self. It is not easy
given your primitive, impulse driven parts, but it is achievable in your
lifetime. Since you can’t control the world or how it treats you, your
first line of protection is to finally control yourself in all areas.
Look around you and you will find that the healthiest people
physically and emotionally are those who finally learned how to stay
balanced and in control in all important areas of their lives. In a world
that no longer works very well, my hope is that you will eventually complete
adulthood in all important areas to a significant extent.
I wish you good luck in that pursuit and Gd speed. Oh, by
the way check out
www.stopglop.com which coincidently enough I just this very minute
learned is up and running like a racehorse. Send me an e-mail and let me
know what you think of this article. Sometimes, the world does work on our
behalf. Believe me when I say it is a glorious feeling. We need to savor
it as a counterpoint to when it kicks our butt. May the world treat you
well, but even more importantly, may you treat you and those you love even
better.
The Center for Self-Control
Helping people conquer hurtful
habits once and for all and forever
(954) 475-1371
(561) 361-1898
We offer individual phone and group coaching, counseling, and psychotherapy
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