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The World Doesn’t Work Anymore:
Survival of the Fittest
PART II
by William Penzer, Ph.D.
Executive Director, The Center for Self-Control
May 2005
(954) 475-1371 |
This article is dedicated
to all the guys and gals who cope well, despite our world not working very
well.
The Tow Truck Finally
Arrived
The Center opened on April
1, 2005 six months behind schedule. Considering all the snafus, April Fools
Day seemed truly appropriate. We did get our business cards, although one
set is lost in transit. They are somewhere in the Western Hemisphere on a
truck-albeit inaccessible to us or the shipper. It will arrive someday. Of
that we are confident. The sign is up after three months although it cost
$100 more than the written estimate for reasons that have no interpretable
logic. We don’t argue. We just pay and move on!
You might remember the guy
who answered, “No,” when I asked if his was a responsive and reliable
company and then failed to show up for our first meeting. So far, it
doesn’t seem as if he was kidding. His graphic designer made up all of our
product designs for “The Center for Self-Help.” It’s not a bad name, just
not our Center’s name! I still think he’s a good guy and I’m sticking with
him. I believe he will come through.
On the positive side, we
just ordered a new phone system from a company that seems to have their act
together. It hasn’t been installed yet, but I’ll keep you posted. The new
system has room for 128 mail boxes. How’s that for grandiosity? It was
either 8 or 128, with no “Mr. In-Between,” so we went for the manic option.
What about the $200 credit
you might be wondering? Thanks to Len it did go through, although I still
can’t figure out if another credit that was coming, was ever put on the new
card. One of these days, when I want to pull an all nighter, I’ll call and
check. By the way, two more kitchen guys have disappeared since January.
I’m thinking of calling missing persons. Afraid they will just say, “Oh,
it’s just a kitchen guy. We get calls every day about them!”
As for our website it has
been running with favorable reviews. We did lose the turning leaf for a few
days (our web guy forgot to water it), but it’s back and reliably turning
like a puppy with an itch. As I write this, however, my
williampenzerphd.com website is lost in cyberspace. Type in that address
and it goes directly to a mall. I seem to have been bought out by a company
that sells supplies and yet to see the check. It’s not a bad idea when you
think about it. Reroute other people’s address to yours and greatly enlarge
your traffic flow, while greatly reducing theirs (in this case mine!). It
appears cyberspace is dog eat dog too.
Recharging Batteries
Having waited with great
anticipation to open the Center, you’d think I’d be out on the streets
beating the bushes and spreading the stopglop gospel. “Au contraire, mon
ami.” I decided to hop on a cruise April 9. I needed to clear my head,
shake the cobwebs loose (and to use three clichés in a row) recharge my
batteries. It’s this kind of advice I’d give someone else, so I’m
particularly proud when I am successful at healthfully coaching myself.
My experience is that
cruising is a world that reliably works almost all of the time. True there
have been some not so great stories involving viral outbreaks, seventy foot
waves or other problems, but those are more the exception. A typical cruise
is a good value, consistent fun and relaxing experience. The major cruise
companies have their act together and pretty much keep it together day in
and day out. I recommend it as a fine way to get away from a world that can
be frustratingly inconsistent, irritating, and infuriating day in and day
out.
I will, however warn you
that cruising can be very glopful. The old cruise director’s joke is that
you came on as passengers and leave as cargo. The joke is on us, if we do
that. Pack your discipline and will power along with your sneakers for
walking and the gym.
For those who don’t recall,
glop is anything that tempts us to engage in unhealthy and self-defeating
behaviors. For example, there is glop on a plate, in a glass, casino, or
bedroom. All of that exists, in great abundance, on cruise ships. Have
fun, indulge a bit- but just a bit. Don’t turn a relaxing vacation into a
shame and blame experience. The consequences to health and wealth suggest
we be wise in our choices.
Feedback Part I:
Being away gave me a chance
to reflect on the feedback I received from Part I. I need to address a few
issues here.
“You Ruined My Life”
Reactions to Part I were
consistently positive negative. By that I mean everyone agreed with and
simultaneously lamented the thesis. “Yes, the world no longer works as well
as it used to but, how did we allow this to happen?” One friend left me a
message saying, “Great article, laughed out loud, you ruined my life! I
will never again experience a problem without seeing it as the world doesn’t
work anymore.” It is that depressive reaction, you will recall, that caused
me to stop writing the book many years earlier. It is precisely that
reaction that I want to address here.
“Surviving Ain’t Good
Enough!”
A second reaction dealt
with the guide to survival part. While all agreed that laughing is better
than crying and patience is a quality worth courting, many became indignant
about accepting the mediocrity of it all. Over and over people expressed
the sentiment of the above subhead. I will address these issues as well in
Part II.
“Shove Your Anger
Management-I’m Pissed!”
Finally, a small, but vocal
minority complained that they struggle to contain their anger. Their rage
leaks out and wreaks havoc with their moods, attitudes, and ability to enjoy
themselves. They appear to have a terminal “bitch and moan” condition,
which can be interminable to those around them. I want to talk about this
problem as well in Part II. I will address the person struck in this
position. I will also speak to the secretary, life partner, business
partner, colleagues, friends, and others that surround the person that is
tormented by all that fails him/her.
“You Ruined My Life!”
I don’t ever ruin lives,
but I do awaken realities. I am a denial bubble buster. Recognizing the
imperfections of a complex world does not spoil or contaminate it. It just
prepares you to take on the problems and challenges, try your level best to
avoid them and solve them with emotional efficiency when they come along.
Being aware of the
difficulties in a world that works less well serves yet another valuable
purpose. It challenges us to work better than ever in our line of work. I,
for one, don’t want to be part of the masses of asses. I’m proud that I run
on time, return all calls personally and deliver consistently helpful
support and assistance hour after hour. My work world works very well and I
hope yours does too. The best antidote to a sluggish and inconsistent world
is high energy and reliability. If we work better, then perhaps others will
follow our lead. If not, at least we enjoy the prideful feelings.
If we all take that
position, the world gains by having a contrarian’s resource that
consistently works. We gain from the reputation, achievements, and prideful
feelings of competence and consistency of service. My “ruined my life”
friend took great pride in saying that his company has won many awards (and
contracts) based upon delivering high quality products, efficiently and
ahead of schedule. Let’s all shoot for that level of service. Let us as
individuals prove that despite all the problems and pitfalls, our world of
work can work well.
Let’s also do it on a
personal level. A man, older than myself, sitting caddy corner to me at
lunch on the ship easily tops 300 pounds. His belly bounces sluggishly off
his wobbly knees. He said, “lets stop at the ice cream bar on the way out”
to his equally rotund table mates. He needs ice cream like I need a double
hernia. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. In a world that
doesn’t work well, we need to work better than ever. Glop is not the
answer. Balance, control, discipline, health, and wellness consciousness is
at least, a partial antidote.
Please look around you at
the aging process. Those who have controlled their glop tend to live
longer, healthier, more positive and productive lives with greater agility
than those who didn’t. Before you go for the glop, visualize yourself in a
wheel chair, taking insulin, hobbling instead of walking, and with quadruple
bypass operations. In that context is the glop worth it? I think not.
Hopefully, you will agree. Ruined my friend’s life? He was only kidding.
I helped to further empower him and you as well.
In addition, counterbalance
your world not working experience with ones that do work. Focus on times
that all goes well in a project and when everything works out fine, fair and
fruitful. Like with cruising, hold onto the good times and let go of the
less than positive ones as quickly as you can. Though some days can be
flooded with frustrations, others are not so bleak. Some are down right awe
inspiring. We gotta count it all.
Finally go for the
relativity idea I mentioned in Part I. This works to neutralize our angst
and help us see it in perspective. The relative perspective works not only
in terms of medical illness, but also in terms of other countries. Consider
the bureaucratic nightmares of South America, peculiar currency changes
around the world, the lack of available resources in many places. Think
about widespread famine and insufficient medical assistance. Thousands die
of hunger or treatable disease every day, while I bitch about not finding a
kitchen contractor.
In this light we’ve all
become a bit spoiled with unreasonable expectations for immediate
gratification and material indulgences. A strong voice inside says,
“appreciate having the basics as well as material comforts, be happy you can
enjoy the luxury of a cruise and stop bitchin' about the relatively minor
inconveniences and delays.” It starting to feel like my batteries are
recharged already with three days of R&R to go. “Ruined your life?” Not a
chance. Reframed your perspective in a more realistic, protective, and
positive way. Atsa my job!
“I Ain’t Willing To Settle
For Survival”
Why not? What’s wrong with
that? Survival is for the fittest, is it not? Throughout the history of
human existence, survival has been key. Life has always presented obstacles
of one kind or another. Trust me when I say it was tougher in 1905 than in
2005.
Ironically, most of today’s
obstacles are byproducts of our progress. I sit on a ship at sea and check
and send e-mails for 40¢ a minute. Contrast that with ship to shore phone
calls at $18 a minute just a few years ago. People bitch that the computers
at sea are too slow. Oh, well! We are all so addicted to speed that we
rush our brief lives away. Slow it down a little. It’s not a race.
Similarly, I complain about
some credit card problems, while forgetting that in 1966, I had none.
Taking a business trip for IBM required getting a cash advance to pay for
food and lodging, while relying on our national account to rent a car.
Personal travel required traveler’s checks as well as cash. All bank
transactions were done by hand.
Joe, the grocer, tallied
the bill on a brown paper bag- and let you pay another day if you were
short. Yes, the fifties were user friendlier, but painfully inefficient in
their own way. We survived then and we need to survive now. The better
prepared we are for today’s inefficiencies, the more emotionally efficient
we can be. Protecting our personal resources is the point of Part I’s
survival guide.
Those who complain that
survival is not acceptable harbor idealistic, instead of realistic goals. A
utopian world might be nice, but it might be boring. Our complex world
challenges us to grow, adapt, and overcome. During the years I stayed in
the status quo, I lost valuable time and creative opportunities. I played
it safe, but I didn’t play it smart. I sold myself short by hiding from a
world that wasn’t working. Now I am back in the game protecting my ass(ets)
with the same healthy survival strategies that I wrote about in Part I.
To survive should not be
embarrassing or demeaning in anyway. Surviving is winning on the
battlefield of day to day life. Surviving is setting goals and
accomplishing them, while dodging all the obstacles placed in our way.
Surviving is looking at a less than perfect world and saying, “I can, I
will, I shall, I AM … doing well despite efforts to thwart me.” In the
final analysis surviving is and always has been man and woman’s first
priority. It’s after all, a prerequisite for tomorrow. Lament if you like,
hide if you need to, but always return to a goal directed path that succeeds
in overcoming the obstacles of a less than perfect universe.
Finally, if the fittest
survive, then it is time to get fit. Limit glop, maximize activity,
exercise and relaxation, and get your mind and body into the best shape you
can. Get addicted to health and wellness so that you can be in the best
shape possible to take on the world and survive. I guarantee you will like
the feelings that are associated. In a world where we don’t have as much
control over things as we would like, taking charge of ourselves feels
really good.
“Perpetually Pissed and
Proud of It!”
I’m not at all angry if you
tell me to take my anger management and shove it- but that is a silly thing
to say. Chronic anger is a most unproductive emotion that has only toxic by
products and unhealthy consequences. It is easy to be angry in a world that
doesn’t work as well as it needs to. We can rant about lousy drivers,
traffic jams, “stupid” politicians, ruthless merchants, lazy workers,
insurance companies and a variety of systems that make no sense. Doing
that, however, makes no sense either. It is a total waste of time, energy
and emotional currency.
Bitching and moaning is
like taking money and flushing it down the toilet-only worse. You are
flushing emotional currency away that is difficult to replace. Save it for
when you really need it. Far worse things will occur in my lifetime than a
vintage 80’s kitchen. See it all on a scale that ranges from frustration
and irritation to aggravation to pain and suffering to awful. Let’s not
mistake one for the other. Let’s not call angst awful. Let me show you
some examples:
|
Frustration |
Irritation |
Aggravation |
Pain & Suffering/ Awful |
|
A cold |
The flu |
Broken leg |
Chemotherapy |
|
Car Won’t start |
$500 repair bill |
Fender bender |
Head on collision |
|
$200 charge that you didn’t incur |
Had wallet stolen |
Lost half your money in a bad deal |
Bankruptcy |
|
Heart burn |
Angiogram-negative result |
Angioplasty |
Open heart surgery |
|
Traffic jam-
30 minutes |
Traffic jam-
2 hours |
Car totaled no injuries |
Car totaled injures |
|
“stupid” politician |
Even “stupider” politician |
Corrupt politician |
War losses |
I could keep going, but I
think you get the point. Before we shove anger management, perhaps you
should try some. Fundamentally, your anger is hurtful to you and toxic to
those around you. Your response need to be proportional such that
frustration and irritation cause mild, if any, reactions. Paradoxically,
they tend to cause stronger reactions than more serious events which most
people tend to adapt to reasonably well, all things considered. Even
tragedy initially produces tears and grieving with anger coming later on.
In some ways, the anger over tragedy is not expressed as loudly in many
cases as the anger over “stupid” politicians or “jerk” drivers. We need to
do a better job correlating our reactions with our experiences. The Center
for Self-Control can help you learn to do that.
It’s Raining Rage
Living or hanging with a
person with rage and anger is like waiting for the next explosion in Iraq.
You don’t know when, but you do know it will come. And it will come.
Circumstances vary widely, but I meet too many people who suffer abuse by
being in the line of fire. Don’t take it. It is a very corrosive
experience that destroys and demoralizes your sense of self. Instead, stand
up for your self. Set limits. Demand counseling or coaching. If refused,
go on strike or leave until the person is willing to work on his/her
issues. Get a new job or a divorce, but don’t tolerate serial verbal abuse,
because your boss, mate, or whoever is pissed at the world. I’m the first
to admit that the world can be quite irritating, but also quick to say that
no one should suffer as a result.
Ultimately, we have an
obligation to cope with it all, without putting our self or those around us
in harms way. If you allow frustrations and irritations to turn into
explosions of rage or days of silence and mood, then you have much more
serious problems than a world no longer working. In fact, you may be using
the frustrations the world dishes out as an excuse to vent deeper angers
that are buried within. Maybe it is easier to rail about the “stupid,
idiot, jerks” than about what and who really wounded you? Certainly, it is
a question worth pursuing in some form of anger management treatment. In
that context, the world isn’t going to get any better, but you certainly
can.
Objective Positivism
My colleagues and I have
discovered that what we say to ourselves in our minds is very important. We
all talk to ourselves all the time. Most people use a language we call
Subjective Negativism. In that language everything is problematic and
difficult including us. It is an all or nothing language of doom, gloom,
and condemnation. With it we question our competence, adequacy and worth.
Using it magnifies our frustrations and irritations to awfulness. It sets
us up for angst, anxiety and agitation.
Ironically, it is not a
language we typically use with others. That language is often filled with
support, understanding, affirmation and compassion. We call that language
Objective Positivism. In a world that works less well than you would like,
you need to learn that language for your SELF. It is a language that will
really help you to consistently distinguish between angst, agitations,
aggravations and awfuls. It will also help you to truly like and love
yourself in a way that is both protective and empowering. We will talk more
about it in Part III of this series and in our half-day workshop program.
Meanwhile may all of your problems be frustrations and may you cope well to
survive a world that doesn’t work well too much of the time.
By the way the phone
installation went without a hitch. It was done on time, efficiently and
well. It was managed by caring, responsible and personable people dedicated
to their work and customer service. The one set of business cards still
haven’t arrived. I choose to hold onto the former and enjoy a time when the
world does work. It is most reassuring. The cards will come soon!
The Center for Self-Control
Helping people conquer
hurtful
habits once and for all and
forever
(954) 475-1371
(561) 361-1898
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and group coaching, counseling, and psychotherapy to help you:
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